The Black OPS of Parenthood
I feel like my husband and I were drafted into a special black ops team the moment our son was born.
Our Mission: Keep a foreign diplomat alive and happy (baby)
Location: hostile baby country
Some of the natives (the parents) still speak a form of English but it is interjected with their now foreign language that included things like bobbies, binky’s, tubby’s, wittle wabby woes and other such nonsense words that we don’t understand. The other half of the natives don’t speak English at all so they result in yelling at us because we don’t understand what they want. Yelling or crying, constant crying.
In an effort to keep said foreign diplomat alive, my husband and I navigate the treacherous waters (bath time), lands(tummy time) and air(carrying) to keep the little man happy. No such easy task because when he isn’t happy because we don’t speak the same language he screams which of course gives away his location and could potentially be deadly for us. So our daily goal is to stop the screaming at all cost.
We relieve each other when necessary, sleep when we are able, trade back and forth who gets to eat a hot meal and have developed a silent communication skill.
We can have an entire conversation using nothing but one handed signals (the other hand is of course holding his holiness) and whispering. I have submitted a requisition to the federal government for those microphones that sit on your neck that you can barely speak and the other members of your team can hear you. I haven’t heard back from them yet, but those damn bureaucrats don’t understand what we are dealing with here out on the front lines.
I have also requested use of a chopper just in case our little diplomat gets hurt I want to have one on standby to airflight him to the hospital, I haven’t heard back on that one either.
This diplomat has to have his ass wiped for him, its really ridiculous. I literally have to wipe his ass sometimes I have to kiss it too just to get some kind of smile out of him. The things I have done for this mission I’m not proud of but they were necessary for the greater good.
We have been on radio silence now for 8 months. The only time we get a little information is when we meet other black ops teams that have had their diplomat for longer than us. They can usually give us a good idea of what things will be like in another month or a year. Those conversations are best had when the diplomat is sleeping though because when he is awake he gets very angry if we don’t spend what he feels is an appropriate amount of time paying attention to him.
I am proud to say that at this moment the mission is successful.
Black OPS Team OUT
